Palpitation

My day immediately turned into grey colour this morning right after i stepped into office. I'm suppose to be re-borned after my GoldCoast trip but all the bad news approaching too fast. I don't even have time to digest it. I'm not only worry about myself becoming jobless anytime soon, but i'm worrying about the company too. Now the thing is there's nothing i can do or help, i feel damn bad and miserable. 

The weather of Singapore is super cooperative too, keep raining since last week and it's totally reflecting our mood wtf. Boss are having meeting with all the creditors now, all of us doing nothing here, only left with palpitation and gen zheong-ness. The feeling is like riding on a roller coaster.

My whatsapp keeps ringing, all from industry people. Especially those that i'm not close with come and kepo with our situation now. Some even worst, people that seldom say hello to me come and ask for lunch or dinner, how good you guys are, u idiot just want to dig information FYL!! Some fake people act concern, asking did i get any new job or else they can help. Hello, thank you very much lo, i'm now still working and don't try to dig info from me KNS!! At this moment, i can see clearly who is the real human and who is the ghost. In fact, when u are drawning, most of the people helping u by throwing the stones. That's reality. 

I wanted to upload my GC photos since i'm super free now but i feel inappropriate cause i'm seriously not in the mood. In the other hand i feel there's a need to upload because people now are stalking our facebook, i'm 100% sure for this. Uploading photos is one of the way of telling people "Hey, i'm perfectly fine and don't bullshit me. The condition of company now is not as bad as u think cause i still can happily went for my vacation. So stop spreading all the unnecessary rumours!!~"

Can't believe i need to come across all these. I'm just an employee here, i can leave the company anytime to look for new job but i didn't. Not because i love my job so much just because i can't just leave like that. Maybe i couldn't help much but at least i still remember who brought me here to this industry, who brought me here so that i am who i am now and who brought me to Singapore so that i am earning sing dollar. I know i am now in the deep shit and further deep shit for next few months especially if *touch wood* i jobless. Anyhow, i'm still here to support my company my boss.

Down

Something very very bad happened

Which is totally out of my expectation

Never thought about this would happen

I can't tell i can't share

The situation is unclear, everything is unknown

I'm worry but there's nothing can be done at the moment

Move on or not, no one can answer me

The only thing can do is wait wait and wait

Waiting patiently for an answer and prepare for the worst

This is horrible and scary

If thing goes wrong, my life will be effected 

I don't have any backup plan for this

Just follow the flow i guess?

REAL OR FAKE??

How to tell a person is being real or fake to you? I seriously can't tell. Since i joined bunker, people around keep telling me.....
*don't trust people easily
*you are being too transparent
*you must build up your defense wall
*you gonna hurt yourself soon

All above..... i do understand very well. But for me there's always an exception. There's someone that i trusted so much in bunker industry, name her as M. I always believed that M is different and she's my true friend in bunker. We always had the same thinking (i thought), business is business - friendship is friendship. We both agreed on this (i thought).

But things getting complicated when both business and friendship link together. For me there's always a clear cut between business and friendship. Whatever happen on business got nothing to do with friendship ma, that's simple right? In fact.... i'm wrong.

Whatever shit happens in business is 100% affecting to your friendship lo~ Yes, now i know..... im too NAIVE back then. Some bad experience on business with M ultimately ruined our friendship. From that onwards, M who always real and pure hearted (i thought) changed to someone that i hardly recognize and fake.

There's something that i couldn't understand. M was being nice to be from beginning to have a smooth business or she had changed after things went wrong on business? It's totally a chicken and egg thing i guess.... So when is real when is fake??! Heck knows.....

Perhaps, i shouldn't but too much of my personal feelings on it. If i never built up the bond then i will never get hurt.

LESSON OF THE YEAR - DO NOT TRUST ANYONE IN BUNKER

Gonna tell myself this.... WELCOME TO BUNKER!! After a year i am here.... wtf~!! After all.... im still upset about this T_T

How long it has to be?

I AM OVER-STRESS!!! 

From job to my personal life, from top to my toe.

How long it has to be? Why never stop one??

Disappointment, worrying, annoying, irritating, heart-broken, sad, unsatisfying, guiltiness, self-blaming..... What else i don't have?

OMG.... can i have a break?

After the loooooooooooooong silent, this is all i can blog about. FML~

Lonely

Cassy is gone....... (my brother kidnap my car T_T)

Egui is gone........ (back to Taiping)

Facing laptop for whole night...

Nope, im actually facing computer from day to night.......

Can't even go to gym........ (without a car)

Who is kind enough to pay me a visit or fetch me out?

Hmm.....Such a lonely night.........

Is That The Way You Treat Your Own Daughter?

HE didn't enter uni, YOU put the blame on me. Not because his result too bad, just because a lame reason. HE gave up his study cause HE worried YOU couldn't afford  if both of us enter uni at the same time? HE gave up his study cause of me??  Owh hell!! Everyone knows local uni doesn't cost much, with PTPTN loan, YOU basically no need to pay for the uni fees. The real reason was HE didn't want to study but YOU never believe it. 


Sometimes when HE back from Rawang, YOU all asked me to sleep outside so that HE can sleep in the room. 


HE is not doing well in his job, YOU ask him to resign then YOU wanted to sponsor him to private college for bakery course. 1 semester which is 9 months cost over 20k. That time i wanted to go for private uni, YOU straight away said NO. 


HE is earning 2k a month YOU heart pain, ask him to resign and wanted give him money so that HE can has his own business. I am earning 2.2k but non of YOU bother, never even concern about my job!!


Well..... HE is going to resign, and YOU all chasing me out from PJ house so that HE can move back. Did YOU all think about me? Out of sudden where should i go?


HE is going to resign and YOU come and tell me i owe him a lot, so i need to support his financial!! WTF??


HE crashed his car twice, not because HE's bad luck, is because HE always drive too fast. YOU never scold him but take my car away for him. YOU some more purposely highlight that the car is not belongs to me, is yours. YOU put it at PJ so everyone can use if they need it. Then why on earth YOU want me to pay for everything when the car broke down?!! HE needs car then how about me?? Did YOU ever concern? NO!! YOU just informed me but not asking me whether HE can has the car or not!!


I brought my boyfriend, Egui back to Kuantan, but YOU never happy for me. I never get the blessing from YOU. 


I told YOU i am going to Melbourne soon for Egui's convocation, YOU have no reaction at all and said "everything settle yourself, you yourself wanna go for travel". YOU never wanna sponsor me but that is fine. But when HE said he wants chocolate from Melbourne, YOU immediately said YOU will give me money then want me to buy him chocolate. 


YOU and him planning a trip to Taiwan next month, i don't even know what is going on.


Without him, YOU were still normal and talk to me. When HE's around, the faces i saw were black than charcoal. 


Why HE always the diamond of family and i am just a grass?


HE is my brother and i actually never hate him.


I am just truly disappointed to YOU....... mum~ Not because YOU treat brother as a diamond, is because YOU treat me as a grass T_T

Depress........

Why things all go wrong with me recently??


Tears are rolling in my eyes now..... in the office.


I had tried my best to cheer someone for days, but I failed.


Had a big fight with my brother, made me feel bad, really bad....


Someone that I don't wanna see don't wanna know about keep appearing.


Felt insecure, tried to do something, end up did something stupid, silly and useless. Didn't help at all.


Well, back to my work. I am freaking boring and nothing to do for one whole month. Was wondering is office need me actually? Sigh.....


Waiting someone to come back, to be with me. I swear to GOD, the process ain't easy. I actually need to wait until when? It's still a mist.......


Hate to be so dependent now, I want the "old me" back. It's much more easy to be an independent girl than dependent girl. It's true guys prefer dependent girl, SO WHAT??


Owh Gosh!! The feelings of insecure is killing me slowly T_T

What The HELL.....

What the HELL!! Why must i always wait for people to make their decision first then only i can make my move? Sometimes their decision will only screw up my whole plan, but i have no choice. Why must everyone is much more important than me? Why other people's thinking always that important but not mine? I need someone to care about my feelings too. Why on earth that i am always the secondary?? Can i just don't give a damn to what people think and make the decision for myself just for once? Can i be selfish to others, just for once? Can i treat myself better without worrying this and that just for once?? Can i be tougher and stand strong to what i wanted just for once?! FML....
Feel like wanna escape and backpack alone.............

Leaving.....

It's 28th Feb now, today is our 2nd monthsary and also chinese valentine's day. But so sad, Egui is in the plane now flying back to Melb. We won't able to meet each other for the next 7 or 8 months and both of us never been in long distance relationship before. I seriously don't know how to bear with the life without him at here. Hmm.... quite depress and down tim T_T

I really need to thanks Egui, he walks into my life and brighten up my life when i really need someone, he brings happiness and colors to my boring life, he is always that sweet to me and care about me, he makes me feel that there's always someone over there who loves me. These are all the feelings that i never have in the past, thanks honey!

I start missing him dy and i will miss him alot alot. I believe that we can go through this long distance relationship, hope that distance won't be a problem for us. As what he always said, "distance will make our love stronger". I know we can make it geh ^^ I just wish that he will do well in Melb, healthy and happy always.

Honey, Happy Monthsary and Chinese Valentine's Day. Love ya ^-^

What If...

What if he loves you but his family don't?

What if he thinks you both are meant to be together but his family don't?

What if he wanna be your boyfriend but his family never agree?

What if he wanna be with you in the rest of his life but his family can't accept you?

What if you try so hard to get the approval from his family but end up it still din't work?

What if he promised will stand in front of you to protect you no matter what happen but he actually can't?

What if you both still love each other but force to break up one day?

What if people belive something that you never believe?

What if Tiger shouldn't be together with Rabbit?

HaLf YeAr Ago....

Half year ago, i still a student, enjoyed my uni life. I didn't need to worry abt life, money, future and everything. All i need to worry was my assignments, exam, lab reports, thesis....
But now.... i need to worry about my career, where to get a job, hw much i need to earn to pay bk my ptptn, what kind of life i can give to myself and what is my future.

Half year ago, i didn't hv all d responsibility. There's no responsible to my own financial problem, i still have my FAMA. But now, no more FAMA, i need to take the responsible to settle all my expenses.

Half year ago, i had a boyfriend beside me and taking care of me. But now, he's gone and become my ex-boyfriend.

Half year ago, SATC and Marine Family were always beside me. No matter happy or unhappy, there's always someone who shared with and always a shoulder for me to cry. Besides that, there's also family dinner, swimming day, feeding time, shopping day, movie day sing k n club. Owh... cannot forget our family trip too.
But now, we all separated a part. There's no Marine Family anymore, SATC also 4 less 1. No more family dinner, feeding time, trip, swimming together, even club also not that fun anymore.

Half year ago, i had lovely housemates and also a roommate. Everytime i back home i felt warm. But now, even i stay wif my aunts, but i feel vy cold in the house. I am so lonely and no one can talk to me after i back to home. I only can keep my problem to myself.....

Half year ago, alot of happinees and laughter around me. There's always a smiling face on me. But now, all i have is tonnes of problem in my mind, less happiness, less laughter, less smilling face.

Half year ago, i can sleep 12 hours a day. But now, insomnia is my friend.

Half year ago, i was charm, energetic, young and fresh. But now, i can feel that im old, tired, boring and lifeless.

Half year ago, all i had was a freedom, happy, lovely and simple life. But now, all i have is just worry worry and worry, problems problems and problems.

Half year passed, everything is change. There's so much difference between undergraduate and graduated....
I seriously miss my uni life :(